Ever felt like throwing in the towel?! Ever felt tired of fighting?! Ever felt like your faith & hope in God was literally hanging from a thread & all you wanted to do was give up?!
As I shared on my previous post, 2019 was by far the most challenging year I’ve had & not a day went by that I didn’t wake up feeling anxious, tired & defeated. Every day felt like it was on repeat.
Everyday consisted of waking up at 6am to prepare a bottle of milk for my 2 yr old before I got myself ready for the day, make sure my oldest was up & out the door by 8am, I would drop the baby off at the sitter while Edison dropped our oldest son off at school & I would head to work. I would wait for my oldest to walk to my job from school, go on my lunch break at 3pm, pick up the baby at the sitter & stop to get them something to eat before dropping them both off to my grandmother. There goes my hour of lunch only to get out of work at 7pm, 8pm or even 9pm sometimes. Once I got home, I was lucky if I had 10 mins in the shower with zero interruptions. It would be around 11pm by the time I finally hit the bed & do it all over again the very next day.
Thankfully Edison & I work together but I couldn’t remember the last time we had gone on a date. We were all about the kids, work & everything in between. The only time we would have to ourselves would be right before going to sleep but by that time we were both exhausted. I rarely got to spend anytime with my girls let alone with God aside from going to church on Sundays. No matter how hard I tried to make time for Him, I felt like a failure.
On August 29, 2019 I must’ve taken the day off because I remember waking up & feeling like my strength, my hope, & my faith was literally hanging from a thread. I was in my living room when I heard this song playing in the background while I was sitting on my couch – exhausted. If I could describe what that moment felt like I would say it felt like I was in the middle of a boxing ring & no matter how many times I’d attempt to get back up, I just kept getting knocked out. I was angry but I had no more strength in me to keep fighting. I knew this song wasn’t playing by coincidence but I was just over it. I was over it all. I believe it was the Holy Spirit’s way of reminding me not to give up & although I felt I had lost all strength He was showing me that His strength was more than enough but I was just too angry at myself to recognize it at that moment.
Later that day Edison & I drove by the train station to remind anyone who may have been hanging around the area that a group of us would be out there that weekend to provide a hot meal & some clothes that were donated for anyone in need. I was explaining to Edison how defeated I felt spiritually not knowing what would happen a few mins later.
Edison & I were talking to my uncle as he stood outside of our car at the train station parking lot when he called Homie over to us so that we could tell him to swing by for a plate of food on Saturday. When Homie got to the car, I could smell pure alcohol when all of a sudden he looked straight at me as I’m sitting in the passengers seat & said, “Wow! I wish you could see what I am looking at right now. There’s someone standing behind you. It’s like a white angelic shadow but it’s beautiful. Even if I took a picture of you right now you still wouldn’t be able to see it. Listen, I’ve done some really bad things to people in my lifetime but I wouldn’t even try messing with this person behind you.” And then he started crying like a baby. He said, “His presence is so strong. He’s protecting you”. Meanwhile, I’m in disbelief but yet 100% attentive to everything he’s saying to me. My uncle was a little drunk & kept trying to make a joke out of it but Homie was determined to tell me what he needed me to know. He said, “I know you might think I’m drunk because of the way I look & smell but I need you to know something & please take me serious, whatever you do & no matter what happens, DON’T LET GO OF YOUR FAITH”.
😭 I LOST IT!!!!! I got out of the car & asked if he would allow me to hug him. He looked so shocked that I had just asked him that & we both cried. I explained to him what I had been going through that day & what a blessing he was to me just now. I asked if Edison could take a picture of us so that I would be reminded yet again of God’s grace. I was in awe that God would be so mindful of me on this day & that he would use someone who many would have overlooked & counted out but God knew my heart & He is into the smallest details. He could’ve used anybody He wanted but He chose to use Homie (flawed & all) just like me to remind me that there’s nothing impossible for God & that He didn’t allow me to come this far to give up. In that moment I felt like He left the 99 to chase after me. He was determined to remind me that He didn’t bring me this far to leave me to figure this life out on my own. He was not going to give up on me although I felt like I had given up on myself. Nothing is EVER wasted in the Presence of God. He will truly make ALL things work together for our good & for His glory. We can’t expect to experience Him in glory without experiencing long-suffering.
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us—they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady. Then, when that happens, we are able to hold our heads high no matter what happens and know that all is well, for we know how dearly God loves us, and we feel this warm love everywhere within us because God has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. – Romans 5:3-5
I pray this blessed you & may we be reminded that we are NEVER too far from God’s reach. Let’s trust Him in the process no matter how difficult it is & believe that He is ordering our steps & renewing our strength. Let us declare right now, “I’m going to wait on You, Jesus! I’m going to put my hope & trust in You, Lord! I already made up my mind. I’m not turning back now!” 💕🌻
The Journey Within 